written on december 19, 2013. i wanted to make this a permanent feature of my blog, for viewers’ clarification.
many of you have read and/or follow my blog, and i want to thank you for your support and your feedback. i do want to clarify my purpose in starting and continuing this web log.
what i write is, in large part, based on what i have experienced and felt. during the past few years, i have battled major depressive disorder, self hate, and suicidal/self harmful thoughts. much of this was perpetrated by circumstances that occurred during my junior high and early high school years. at the time, i was the victim of several abusive friendships, as well as a lot of bullying. rather than reaching out for help, i reached inward and started believing that i truly was worthless.
it has been a process, but i am no longer at that place. through the help and support of several close friends, family, and professionals, i am healing. i’m not “all better now” and i don’t expect to be. i know that this area is the one i will struggle with the most during my life. but i have now learned how to confront negative thoughts, how to cope with my past, and how to deal with pain.
although it hurt to go through, those rather traumatizing circumstances were a turning point in my life, and have made me who i am today. i know that i am loved and that there is hope and healing. i now have a clear sense of purpose.
writing has been one of the methods by which i have found healing. it has become a form of therapy for me; by expressing my thoughts and feelings in words, i don’t have to keep them inside my head, and i don’t have to fight alone.
that said, my intent is for my blog to serve two purposes:
first, to reach the audience of those who have gone through similar experiences as i have and/or have felt the way that i have, my words are for you, so that you may know that you are not alone in this battle. i promise, it does get better, although it is probably difficult, if not impossible, to believe that now. i not only want to convey my own struggles and imperfections through my writing, but also the sources of hope that i have found through the fight.
second, to reach the audience of those who have not been directly exposed to the those of us who struggle or have struggled with mental illness(es) and/or suicidal thoughts, my words are also for you, so that you may know that there are people around you that really do feel this way. thus, my blog is not a call for help; it is a call for action. neither prevention nor recovery can take place without a solid support system for the individual suffering.
i don’t intend for my blog to be a diary of my current thoughts from day-to-day. rather, it is a platform for my scribbles and musings (based on both past and present experiences and ideas) that can hopefully serve both of the aforementioned purposes. some of my writing may come across as rather dark or depressing, even concerning. i want to make a disclaimer, that i am healing and am not now at risk of suicide. i have a support system to catch my back if ever i start to fall again. part of what has helped me become more raw and honest with those closest to me – about my thoughts, feelings, and experiences – has been through writing so openly.
one other note: some of what i write about is not necessarily even from my thoughts about my own life, but rather, are my thoughts about news or statistics i have read. a particularly dark post may have been inspired, so to speak, by a heartbreaking story. a particularly hopeful post may have been inspired by recent knowledge of a suicide survivor’s story. any which way, i mainly want my blog to be helpful, inspiring, and informative to those who read it. it may not always be bright and encouraging, but it is my hope that, in reading my words, you will see the world and the people in it a little differently than before.
every forty seconds, a person chooses to commit suicide. every forty damn seconds. i want more than anything to help prevent that. i see my blog as my first step forward towards that goal.
thank you to those who care about me, and my writing. i would not be who i am today without each of you.