time & toxicity

by aboynamedsuicide

i think sometimes we come to our own breaking point whether we realize it or not and when we’re pushed to that edge anything can tip us over. we are more fragile than we know and we live to be rough with our souls and we’re taught to toughen up to the point that we build up walls and we break down hearts.

we are living time bombs designed to explode at one point or another and some of us can withstand the pressure longer than others but no ones’ fuse can last for eternity. maybe the tragedy is not that we are eventually destroyed but that we never even realize it’s coming. and maybe if we had we would have been able to do something – heck, anything – to attempt to diffuse even if in the end we were unsuccessful.

it’s as if we live our lives so mindlessly and we accept cliches for answers and forget the meaning of our search for meaning. we accept mediocrity as normality and we forget that adventure even exists beyond the horizon we’ve become so familiar with looking at. it has all become a dull picture and we have allowed it to remain that way.

but what if we were really honest in self evaluation and looked at our lives through the lens of temporality since we only have one life to live and we sure better live a damn good one.

so this is what i want to know.

why do we allow toxic relationships to build up in our lives and why do we cling to the people that treat us like we’re nothing. why is it that we feel guilty about pushing people away and why do we not believe that we deserve better than abuse. have our hands grown so accustomed to holding that rope (and being told that we were holding on for dear life) that we never even noticed that we were pulling harder and harder. and did it never occur to us that the cord could become too tight to even thirst for breath. were the raw marks on the skin of our necks not enough of a sign that we were the authors of our own torture.

why do we allow burdensome commitments to hang on to our shoulders and we live as though they were simply supposed to stay there and never be questioned as to why they were there in the first place. because things change but most of all we are not the same people we once were and we are not tied to the same dock where we set sail and this ship was meant to touch upon new shorelines. what was meant as an anchor has now become a deadweight that holds us down and drags us beneath the sea and someday it just may be enough to be the death of us.

then maybe instead of scribbling down a list of goals at the beginning of a new year we would make just one resolution. maybe we would resolve simply to live more mindfully so that we might make use of the time we have left unless we prefer poison to fill our last breath.